The Minkoff Minx {Go Ahead…Make Your Move!}

"I get very passionate about what I think is right."-Hillary Rodham Clinton

I hate this

My brain just does not work like it used to. I was considered “gifted” in school, and separated from the “boom boom” kids, put in a special class where most of the 12 people were just like me…smart but underachievers, suffering from procrastination. Our group was the Guinea pigs, the first to go through the gifted program over in Tampa.  We burned out fast and I think only a few of us in that group actually graduated from college with degrees. We were a bunch of brilliant creative kids, we could have had a fabulous future. But, I just mention this to set up a place where I once was intellectually sound.

So, I always seemed to be really fast in catching on to things. I could have intelligent conversations. I could be quick with a witty remark, and I could remember facts that I had studied in school, without too much effort. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to get my Masters in Medieval History, even go on to a PhD. I wanted to become some sort of researcher, who had a professional job that was satisfying and fun. To see where I have ended up, this existence of mine, is so depressing. I hate this.

I hate that I was on anti-seizure medications for almost 30 years straight, I hate that these drugs destroyed my liver, and mostly I hate that these drugs also made me dumb. I can’t comprehend things like I used to. I am very slow when reading stuff…it is like I have become a completely different person. My mind does not function. I can’t discuss things like I used to. I feel like an idiot. I can’t work, I can’t drive, I can’t be the way I used to be. I hate this.

I need to be reminded of things, I have to rely on someone else to drive my kids to school. It is so damn frustrating. I cannot retain information…I cannot dissect and analyse things anymore. I cannot write like I used to. And the thing is, it is not cause I am getting old…it is some sort of physical change in my mental ability. I think it has to do with the Depakote, Tegretol, Phenobarbital, Mebaral and Keppra that I was taking have completely and irreversibly fucked up my brain.  My liver is a disaster due to those drugs, you can’t tell me that they did not cause me to go dumb…I hate this.

So the days just go past, and the years continue to add up. I feel so defeated. I wonder what will become of me…will I end up sitting watching some old classic movie and drooling into oblivion? I don’t know, I just don’t get it….and I hate that.


Filed under: For no particular reason, Pathetic Observations

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